boston.com
yahoo personals
< back to boston.com Yahoo! | Help
Search Dating Articles: Search  
Meet Someone New Dating, butterflies, romance... it all happens here.
I’m a
Seeking a
Age
to
Location
Find My Match   Advanced Search
GET STARTED
Create Profile Create Your
Personals Profile
Let the person you are looking for find you! Creating a profile is free, so get started now. Create a Profile  
RELATIONSHIPS
Cosmopolitan
Dating 101: What if His Parents Don't Like You?

Love the guy, but his mom and dad are pretty much evil incarnate. Here are four easy steps for how to handle his frosty folks.

By Julie Suratt for Cosmopolitan Updated: Dec 4, 2008
dating couple hugging
RATING THIS ARTICLE
Average (15 votes) stars Rate it: Sign in to rate!
So you've met Mr. Right, and everything is near perfect. There's just one problem: Mama and Papa Right. Put simply, they don't like you -- and they're not exactly shy about it. "Not only is it unpleasant for you to have to spend time with these people, but you also may worry that their disapproval could influence your guy's feelings for you," says therapist Lee Schnebly, author of "Being Happy Being Married."
So how do you get along so it's not so awkward? We've come up with a plan to handle those pain-in-the...er, we mean, his parents.
More Dating Tips from Cosmopolitan:
Step 1: Get Where They're Coming From
Come on, how could anyone not love you? Well, experts say the most likely explanation is fear. "There's an innate protective instinct to shut out the 'intruder' who's invading their family," says Schnebly.
Also, jealousy could be the issue. "His mom may feel that she's being replaced," says Bree Allinson, PhD, author of "How to Deal with Your Mother-in-Law." So reassure her that she's still number one by asking her for advice on your guy (like how to cook his favorite meal).
Another explanation: In many cases, parents feel threatened if you come from a different background. "Your values and religion may conflict with their own," says Allinson. "They might worry that you'll influence their son." Without sacrificing your beliefs, show that you're open to learning about theirs, so it's clear that the two can coexist.
Step 2: Don't Try to Be Best Friends
You don't have to be buddy-buddy with his folks; you just have to get along. In fact, if you're too eager to please, it could come across as fake. On the other hand, don't act in awe of them. Avoid the urge to force a familial relationship; these people are still essentially strangers. "Think of them as equals, not superiors," advises Schnebly. "You'll feel more at ease and really be yourself."
Step 3: Make It Clear You Care About Him
Parents' main concern is their child's well-being, so they need reassurance that you won't break their poor boy's heart. "They won't want to connect with you if they think you're not there to stay," says Leonard Felder, PhD, author of "Wake Up or Break Up." Some suggestions: Hold his hand, kiss his cheek, or share a story about how he made you laugh. Once they know your feelings are authentic, they'll begin to trust you.
Step 4: Last Resort
If after all that, his parents are still being evil, stand up for yourself. "If you refuse to be pushed around, they'll show you the respect that you deserve," says therapist Susan Forward, PhD, author of "Toxic In-Laws." The next time they're rude, Forward suggests saying, "Look, I don't ask that you love me, but I'd like it if we could at least be civil." Lay down the law now, because if you decide to marry this guy, the problems are only going to escalate.
Bonus: How to Wow His 'Rents
These three phrases will help you dazzle his mom and dad:
"I've heard such great things about you!" This surefire line not only butters up his parents but makes your sweetie look good too.
"What was he like as a kid?" Get them chatting about their all-time favorite subject -- their son -- and they'll be too distracted to notice you nervously biting your nails.
"It was so nice of you to invite me to your home/to dinner." Saying thank you shows that you're a girl with manners and lets them know how honored you are to be included.
Reprinted with permission of Hearst Communications, Inc.
More Dating Articles from Cosmopolitan:
More Dating Tips:
Dating Articles  |  Success Stories  |  Browse By Location  |  5-Star Safety  |  Gift Subscription  |  Site Map
Copyright © 2009 Yahoo! Inc. All rights reserved.  |  Legal  |  Jobs  |  Help
NOTICE: We collect personal information on this site. To learn more about how we use your information, see our Privacy Policy.
feedback | help | globe archives
© 2009 The New York Times Company